“I Don’t Have Any Friends”

img_7255

Hey hey hey beautiful readers!

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted a new blog post. I was really busy last week and didn’t have the time to write up a post to my liking.

I’m going to start posting new blogs on Thursdays because that works better for me now.

Anyways…..

Leave it to Ohio to bless us with temperatures in the seventies smack dab in the middle of February. It’s unreal (but I’m not complaining).

And because I took last week off, I couldn’t blog about it 😦

Even though it already feels like it outside some days, spring will be here before we know it and I couldn’t be more excited! My favorite season used to be fall until around high school time when spring meant softball season, prom, rain (I love rainy days), and the overwhelming excitement that the school year was coming to an end. Most people say summer is their favorite season but I love spring, love the anticipation of flip flops, beaches, and warm weather. I just can’t explain it, it’s like spring is the perfect moment to live in, when everything is new and exciting and there are only good vibes.

Anyway, please excuse my geeking out over spring.

Now that I’m not in high school and spring, unfortunately, does not mean a new $800 prom dress, a league title in softball, and the school year is already over, I find myself reflecting on “the good old days”, specifically the friendships I had in high school.

Ever since I left high school, I became completely and utterly friendless.

Yeah I’m gonna be that dramatic.

And I really hate when people say:

“Oh Cerena now that can’t be true. You have friends.”

Because as hard as it is to believe that anyone can have absolutely no one to talk to, hang out with, or do friendship activities with, I am one of those people.

WE DO EXIST.

I guess my boyfriend hangs out with me but he doesn’t count because he has to be friends with me 😉

I’m a really shy person so it is, I guess, extra hard for me to make friends. I don’t talk to strangers and it has since come to my attention that to make friends, you have to talk to strangers.

Who knew?

And side note: I also love when people who have 100 close friends say that they have no friends just because they don’t have plans for a Saturday or whatever.

The struggle is real for some people.

I think this drastic shift from having friends in high school to having zero friends now comes from the fact that I wasn’t as shy around people in high school because it was Berne Union and everyone knew everyone. And their mother. And their cousin. And their great-aunt Linda.

And I remember thinking the other day that I missed high school.

(I’ve noticed that people either really miss high school or try to pretend that those four years never happened)

I don’t miss high school in general but I do miss having friends.

And then I started thinking (because this is how my mind works) of how friendships grow and change as you get older. People change so why wouldn’t the relationships they keep change?

High school, for me, was okay. I don’t want to say it was wonderful or even good because, like most angsty teenagers, high school is guaranteed to have just as many ups as it does downs. I had good friends, I had my boyfriend (I still have him 🙂 ), and I had sports to keep me busy and overbooked with things to do.

Some of my favorite memories to this day were made during my four years of high school. However, some of the worst were also made in that same time frame (but that’s a whole nother blog post in itself). All in all, I can’t complain about my time in high school. Those halls treated me well.

But like all good things, this time had to eventually come to an end. Shocker.

But back to high school friends.

I’m not going to write about all the friends I made in high school because if we’re being honest, I considered every person that I knew at my school to be my friend (even when they didn’t consider me to be their’s). No, this is aimed towards specific people who were my very best friends throughout high school and even throughout most of my life.

As I previously mentioned, these people were the source of some unforgettable moments. I remember having some of the best times of my life with these people. We laughed together, cried together, and got into some very stupid stuff together. We loved each other and we cared about one another. Of course we fought, we fought with each other more than we fought with anyone else (and over the dumbest reasons) but we were family and best friends forever.

Except we weren’t And here’s where my life advice comes in:

You’re not going to be best friends with these people forever. That’s just part of life.

And I also wanna say real quick that this isn’t true for everyone. I’ve seen high school bffs remain close through college and well into their adult lives, but for me this wasn’t the case.

When you and your high school days part ways, you start to really change. It’s not just you who is changing, it’s everything. You’re about to start this new and exciting chapter in your life (LOL cliché much) and your whole life is about to change. You don’t wake up every morning at 6 am and drive to good old Berne Union anymore, you pack up your car and drive to a new place where you are forced to start over. (Unless you’re me and college is still a ten minute drive away 🙂 ).

Your senior year of high school through your first year of college is a period of tremendous personal growth. So much has changed so drastically and so quickly that you are forced to also change to adapt and grow into your new life. When a person goes through this period of personal growth, the people around them either grow with them or unfortunately, they grow away from them.

Sadly, it was my friends and I who grew apart. Like way apart.

Again, I want to stress that this is a very natural part of life and part of really growing up. Some friendships you outgrow and that’s okay.

And I’m okay.

I don’t wanna say that I’m not sad because I was. For a long time, I was really sad. I was angry that my friends didn’t seem to want to be friends anymore. I was sad that my friendships that were once effortless now required an awful lot of work to maintain. I was heartbroken when I came to the realization that it was over. These people who knew me better than anyone, didn’t know who I was anymore. And they didn’t want to know. There comes a point where texting your “best friend” over and over and over again with no response means that they have moved on, or that they are trying to.

And I don’t want to play the blame game with this story at all. Do I wish that I had tried harder to reach out after high school? Yes. Do I regret not trying hard enough to keep these friendships alive? Absolutely. But we can’t go back.

I am in no way saying I don’t like these people anymore, that’s not true and not the point of this. I love every single one of my high school friends to this day. I want nothing but the best for them and I will always be rooting them on from afar, we just aren’t in each other’s lives anymore. We’ve grown apart and that bears no ill will, it just happened.

Sometimes, you are simply only friends with someone because it is easy. It’s easy to keep a friendship with someone you see for seven hours a day, five days a week. It’s easy to get close to someone that you see for more hours of the day than your own mother. High school friendships are exactly that: easy. I even, at one point, asked myself: are these the people you would pick out of a crowd to be close friends with? Or are they simply your closest friends because circumstances outside of your control just happened to throw you all together?

And its thoughts like this that really bring on the waterworks because I don’t know if I can say that I didn’t bond with these people just because it was easy.

In all, life happens. It’s completely natural for best friends to grow apart after high school. I still love them, I still care about them, but things will just never be the same again. We will never laugh like we did, never bond over the hot math teacher or the crappy boyfriends like we did. We’ll never eat lunch together, or have Friday night sleepovers together. We’ll never play on the same sports team and hang out after practice together.

Do I miss my friends? All the time. And when they hit me up on imessage or snapchat, I respond. But things have changed so much and I’m just learning to roll with it.

Part of growing up is figuring out who you are and figuring out who you are means losing part of your old self along the way. Even when losing that part of you is heartbreaking and painful, it leaves room for so much growth.

In the words of C.S. Lewis (imma huge Narnia fan)

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

Even if you find yourself in my shoes right now with no friends well……

number one:  I am your friend (you’re reading this blog so therefore you’re choosing to be my friend 🙂 )

number two:

It’s been my personal experience that we make the best of friends when we are least expecting it. Keep your hearts and minds open to meet new people.

Number three: pray about it!

Does anyone remember that scene from Lilo and Stitch where Lilo sees a shooting star and she wishes by praying to God to send her a friend?

Yeah that’s me.

But seriously, the Lord will take care of you. He will put people in your life who are truly meant to be there. He’ll send those who encourage you, inspire you, and help shape you into the very best version of yourself.

My Bible school teacher told me this way back when and I still remember it to this day,

“You will always have at least one friend. Jesus is your friend and he will always be your friend, no matter what.”

And I guess four year old Cerena was smart because she kept reminding herself of this and I still think about it all the time

We lose friends in an attempt to find ourselves but we will never lose God. He will be there with us every step of the way. Remember that.

We outgrow things like old friendships to make room for new people, new beginnings, new life within us. And if you find yourself where I am when starting a new beginning in your life, don’t stress. If they are meant to be in your life, they will be. If not, they will remain a pleasant memory and a lesson learned.

So so so sorry this turned out to be so long! If you’ve read all the way down to this point, thank you so much for sticking around! Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more posts! 🙂

Love and hugs from your friend,

Cerena

Why I Quit Using The “U” Word

unnamed

 

Hey hey hey beautiful readers!

Thank you so much to everyone who came to this page and read my first blog post and thank you now for visiting my second one!  I have this little button on here that says how many people have read my page and it was way more than just my mom so, thank you!

Today I just wanted to share with you guys something that has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart lately.

And that is calling someone the U word for no reason. Why do we do it?

I would like to think I’ve grown as a person through my experiences thus far in life (and yes I know I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn) but I catch myself casually throwing this word around in conversation and thinking why do I say these things? Is this something that is going to lift someone up or bring them down?

And because of this growing as a person that I am trying to do, I have cut the word Ugly out of my vocabulary entirely.

ZERO. ZILCH. EL ZIPPO.

(Yes that was from Hannah Montana)

But from this day forward, I won’t use this word at all anymore when talking about a human being. Ugly should not be used to describe a person. It should not be an adjective that’s thrown at people just because I am mad at them.

And I caught myself doing this just the other day.

“Oh don’t worry about her, she’s ugly”

And it didn’t matter that I wasn’t saying this mean word to her face because, I may as well have. She may not have heard me call her the U word but someone far more important did: God. Now this petty argument seemingly between me and this person was now between my heart and the Lord’s.

And I’d wager that He was incredibly hurt by this comment. Hurt that I said something so rude about a brother or sister in Christ and hurt that I was acting through my words and actions, so incredibly ugly.

Girls are already so mean to one another, why add fuel to that fire? Not me. Not anymore.

Now let’s throw it back to high school for a moment because yes, all of the stupidest things I have ever done did happen in high school (and is where this habit started in the first place).

There was a girl, let’s just call her Suzy (obviously not her real name). Suzy was, as far as I could tell, out to get me. I genuinely thought that this girl’s sole purpose in life was to make my life miserable. Suzy did a few things to me that were, well, not so good. And like any rational teenage girl, I was angry with her.

And what do us females do when we are mad at other females?

We talk badly about them behind their backs and to our friends. DUH.

To my friends, I said that Suzy was ugly (among other things).

And it’s incredibly sad looking back now but my friends encouraged this behavior. My friends were excited to hear new drama; they were ready to call Suzy ugly as well.

And I hope that you can see now what I didn’t see then: that one thing had nothing to do with the other. It made no sense to call her ugly because I was angry with her. It made no sense that I didn’t mention said thing she did to make me mad at her in the first place.

And Suzy for the record is not ugly. She’s actually a very pretty girl.

But why did I choose to call her ugly? Because for a split second after calling her this, I felt better about myself. I felt that because I called her this nasty word I had somehow won.

But I didn’t win.

And afterward it hurt my heart to call her that name, to say out loud to another person that Suzy was ugly.

I truly believe that ugliness is only found underneath the skin where no one can see it; no one is ugly on the surface.  I know it’s very overused and cliché of me to say this, but everyone is beautiful in their own way.

And I didn’t know Suzy well enough to call her ugly. I didn’t know the parts of her that made her beautiful or deemed her ugly. I didn’t know what was inside of her heart.

Even though, I kept doing it, kept calling the people who did me wrong ugly, kept feeling for a nanosecond a little better, I knew it was wrong.  I knew it wasn’t true. I knew it was stupid. And I knew it was something that God was looking down on me in disappointment because in truth, calling someone else ugly made me ugly.

I remember immediately after calling someone this, I would feel horrible. I felt like I didn’t deserve the right to call someone else that. And I was right in feeling that way.

Subconsciously, I always thought that God would make me ugly because he heard me calling someone else this word.

And I’m not talking metaphorically as in I’m ugly because I’m the one calling people names but as in God will use his lightning bolt  powers to strike me and rearrange my face so it looks like I used one of those snapchat filters that squeezes your face and gives you a major five-head.

I know, I’ve seen Beauty and the Beast one too many times.

But if this didn’t scare me into not using the U word, then what will?

Who am I to call someone ugly? When you really think about it, I’m not Blake Lively or a Victoria’s Secret model, so how do I even get to call other people ugly?

Truth is, I don’t.

And it was a few days ago when I caught myself doing this that I really took a step back to say:

I’m only saying these hurtful words because I am angry with this person. It’s not true and saying it out loud certainly doesn’t make it true.

I’m the one who is ugly. My heart is ugly for thinking such things about another person and that’s when I said enough is enough.

Enough with this word, I am getting rid of it. I don’t need it in my life; I don’t need to use it.

And if you are still with me (and I hope that most of you are), I want to encourage you to do the same. Ugly is a word that none of us need to use. Not about ourselves and not about other people. I’m not ugly, you are not ugly, your neighbor isn’t ugly, your enemies aren’t ugly, Suzy isn’t ugly, your friends aren’t ugly….

Words that hurt people are ugly. And people who set out to hurt others are ugly.

Calling someone ugly doesn’t make you any prettier. It doesn’t make you any better than that person. It doesn’t make you any happier.

IT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

This word won’t affect them at all as long as they remember that they are beautiful.

We are all.

And just to throw in a passage from everyone’s favorite book:

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.'”

1 Samuel 16:7

God created you. You are made beautifully and lovingly in His image. You are physically beautiful and being called ugly by another person will never take that away.

Do not ever forget that.

And all of this aside, where beauty really counts is within us. What lies in our hearts is far more important than what shows on the surface.

God spent time creating you, molding you into the very best version of yourself. He sees what lies in our hearts and I think, He would be proud to see the U word wiped from our tongues.

Anyway, because I had one of those rare moments where I thought to myself,

THIS IS SUCH A STUPID THING TO SAY

It has just been weighing pretty heavily on my heart and mind.  I thought in sharing it with you all, I can become more conscience of my words and actions as we all should be anyway.

And again I want to emphasize that this is a choice. We choose the words we bring into the world, that’s a gift God gave to all of us. It is a gift to be able to say to myself:

“I’m not going to say the word ugly anymore. Not about anyone or anything. I don’t need it.”

I hope in the future to choose my words more wisely and honor this gift by using words that breed positivity and inspire happiness.

I have come to realize: what’s important in life is not to bring others down but rather build them up. And when you are given the opportunity to do either or, I hope that you’ll follow me in choosing to lift them up!

Love and Hugs,

Cerena

About MEEE

facetune_07-08-2019-23-59-24

Does anyone remember the first day of school when your new teacher would say,

“Now Cerena, tell me three interesting things about yourself.”

And then you completely blank on what to say because really, we’re not supposed to talk about ourselves that much. Especially not long enough to say three whole things about us, that’s absurd!!

But because this isn’t school (thank GOD) and you’re not a teacher, I will try my best not to blank. So here’s a little about me:

HELLO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

I’m Cerena.

Yes Cerena like the awesome tennis player excpet with a C (and alot less athletic ability).

I am currently a twenty year old college student just trying to figure out what to do with my life. I’m in my fourth semester of college. I’ve already been to three different colleges in four semsters (if you want advice on enrolling as last-minute as possible, you’ve come to the right place).

I have a slight passion for writing. I’m very close friends with Jesus Christ. I used to be pretty okay at my favorite sport, softball. I am so in love with my boyfriend/ best friend that I have been dating for three and a half years. I love love love to read books. Give me anything with chocolate in it. I am a history geek and Harry Potter enthusiast. I am very highly opinionated. I started this blog as an online journal and well here we are.

To sum it all up, I’m a weirdo who loves to write, especially from my own experiences.

And what can you find on my blog?  Well that will just depend on the day  but you can expect to read about anything from my OOTD to advice to politically charged and very opinionated discussions on current events (have you seen what the president’s been up to lately?). Maybe even dinosaurs, who knows?

But all dinosaur jokes aside, I am all about celebrating yourself. With this blog, I want to emphasize the importance of simply being yourself. Self-worth, self-esteem, and individuality are concepts so lost on us today.  Of course we need to learn to love others but perhaps more importantly, we need to learn to love ourselves.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

“Throw kindness around like confetti!”

(I don’t know who authored this quote but I love it).

I hope everyone stays exactly who they are because you’re awesome! But more on that later.

Stay tuned to see what I am up to 🙂

Love and hugs,

Cerena